Tuesday, May 18, 2010

out of my mind

It won't stop. The morning sickness. The panic attacks. I feel like nine months after being blown up the PTSD is just now gripping me. And it won't let go. And it will kill me if I can't numb it somehow. The insomnia. The stomach aches. The thoughts. I can't get out of my body. I can't escape my head. The thought of doing anything or going anywhere is more than I can handle. Everything weighs on me, pushing me down like I'll drown. I turn the tv on to tune out my head but it drives me nuts, the babble. I even tried watching religious shows Sunday morning. Maybe God would help me. But he didn't. I took a sleeping pill last night. What a waste. I still woke up at 2 a.m. wanting to spew...

Mornings were my best time. I had some hope. The pain of the day hadn't set in yet.

Now mornings fill me with dread. I feel paralyzed.

11 comments:

Don said...

I don't suppose there is much too say that can really help, but know there are a lot of people in your corner. Your endurance is inspiring others.

sugargirl said...

If I could take away your pain I would. You are a strong woman and you can do this, no matter how hard or how long. Look around you...you are an inspiration to everyone there and here.

Marianne said...

You can do this. Don't let the bastards win.

Barbara Nelson Photography said...

Some months ago, excited to see you were blogging again. A good sign. We know you can win this battle - and then the "victory".
Barbara Nelson

jLee said...

Hang in Moonpie. I promise it gets better. Promise. Blogging is good. Let it out to let it go.

Paradox13VA said...

What everybody else said.

Maybe try some 3 Stooges? Some random comedy? Maybe I'm totally off base...

fifi mahoney said...

Hang in there Sissy. So many epople care about you. I'll be there in less than 2 weeks.

Doug H. said...

Moonpie, hang in there. Your service is appreciated and the children of this world sleep better with you having defended their freedom. Get well soon.

My wife and I stumbled across your blog and were mesmerized by it. Keep writing. If, for nothing else, to pass the time. Telling your story will help others, as well. If you get really, really bored, you can read my blog at www.doughuber.blogspot.com. As a former army guy, myself, I have visited wounded soldiers at Walter Reed and in Baghdad. Keep the faith. Our nation is grateful for your service and sacrifice.

Freedom's Voice said...

I wish I could make it all go away. But I can't. I can only tell you how grateful I am for your service and sacrifice. I am keeping you in my prayers and close to my heart. God is closer than you think and He has you in his arms. The cool thing about God is that He never moves. We're the ones that move. So maybe try moving a little closer. He is there, I promise. I know. Keep fighting the good fight. You are an inspiration.

Marilyn LeBlanc said...

When I had cancer and then the stem cell transplant,I thought I might die. There were many moments where I wanted to die. The pain was so great that I didn't think my body, mind and spirit could take it anylonger. The only thing that kept me sane were the drugs. Because it numbed it all. But eventually, the drugs go away. Then you're left with the mangled remains of your body, mind and spirt. You don't think you'll ever be the same again. And maybe you won't. But you're still alive.
And there must be a reason. A purpose. You can't even imagine what that might be at that moment.
A year, two..maybe three go by. Things still are fuzzy, out of sync. You can't even remember the past or the events that led up to all of this. But your still alive.
You try to explain it to friends, but they can't really understand. No one can. But your still alive. That means something, what that is at this moment in time can only come from inside of your soul, because that's where you're going to have to go to find solace. There are no answers to your questions. It doesn't pay to even ask. The pain you feel is yours and only yours. Let it take you where you need to go. Only at the end of that journey will you find some kind of peace. So, my dear friend, please know that you're not alone. You have friends who love and care for you. When you are ready to let us in, we will be there for you. Until then, know that you are in my thoughts and prayers every day. I will never give up on you,just as you never gave up on me. I know you will come through this, because I know you. You have a purpose. When you're better, your voice will lead you.
Follow it.
M

Laurie said...

Hang in there. Your reading public is behind you, all the way. What about that ridiculous show, Dancing with the Stars? Always good for laughs.